David*Macinnis*Gill.com

I’ve man­aged to read my mar­i­nat­ing man­u­script twice since unwrap­ping it.  As promised, I read with­out a pen or pen­cil, and on the first run, I only wrote down com­ments two times.  Both com­ments were for new ideas that popped in my head as I read, and I knew I would for­get them later.  On the sec­ond pass, I made no marks at all, although I was sorely tempted, espe­cially at the end where there were many typos. 

Here’s what I gleaned:

1. I like the main char­ac­ter.  She’s still the cool, trashy-mouthed girl whose atti­tude started this whole thing.  Her char­ac­ter arc is solid, and she’s strong enough to carry the story.  She slipped out of char­ac­ter a cou­ple of times, espe­cially at the end, and she was too harsh in one seg­ment.  Eas­ily fixed.
2. I like the bones of the story.  It has a solid three-part struc­ture and a clean, sat­is­fy­ing end­ing.  The bones need more meat in places, espe­cially at the begin­ning of the third act and the sec­ond part of the sec­ond act.
3. The plot is too lin­ear.  See #5 below.
4. I like the sec­ondary char­ac­ters.  They are inter­est­ing and/or likeable.
5. The sec­ondary char­ac­ters need more of a char­ac­ter arc.  See #3 above.  Both will take some work.
6. The set­ting is lame.  It adds noth­ing to the story or to the larger cul­tural con­text.  I need a new place, one that will amplify the story’s cul­ture.  This will require a few passes to accomplish.
7. On the whole, the story needs depth and res­o­nance.  See
   david­lubar